Onion Radio News's lyrics & chords

Desperate vegetarians declare that cows are plants Chrysler discontinues neckbelts Snickering researchers say dog urine lowers the risk of heart disease God proclaims raspberries now even more berrylicious The supreme court rules the supreme court rules Don king enjoys a grandilomentitudinous sandwich General motors introduces new instant win airbags Bill gates will get half Depression hits losers hardest Scientists discover the gene that makes you eat the whole goddamn bag of chips The love and forgiveness of christ now available in gel form Swelling herds of hippies pose a threat to the delicate frecosystem The bronx zoo has opened a new loitering teens exhibit The san diego zoo acquires a chinese man North carolina elects someone to run out for cigarettes Animal rights activists free seventy thousand cows Area bassist fellated National pork council says many americans suffer from a pork deficiency The purchase of a split enz bo Baseball hall of fame elected to hall of fame hall of fame Children of divorce are twice as likely to write bad poetry Alabanambla The irs now requires taxpayers to tip Eighty percent of americans are in favor of storming the castle and destroying the inhuman monster Japanese say radiation may have created giant monsters Brigham young scientists convert matter into mormanism A new fox reality show will determine who rules iraq New cereal for the poor stays crunchy in water Craig kilborn marries himself in a private ceremony The long awaited baby boomer die off begins soon Credit card metallurgists unveil the new polonium plus visa card Kodak and nabisco apologize for a drunken one night merger A guy is just totally smoking weed on the street Ketchup is not fancy enough for a local man Islamic fundamentalists condemn casual day The purchase of a split enz box set collection results in the hatred of split enz The chinese government cracks down on refills The new mommy is a lot prettier than the old mommy Bourbon helps an area carpet salesman forget about carpeting for awhile Authorities place alabama residents in foster state North dakota drinks itself to sleep again Ronald reagan endorses the pill lady for president Zoo rape The midwest is discovered between the east and west coasts The chevy chase show celebrates another blockbuster season in an alternate universe Commodities traders eagerly await the arrival of the commodities bunny The epa warns of a rise in global heartwarming Almost no effort was made to stop a kid from eating a cigarette butt Seven people are injured in the annual running of the congressmen Omaha man may stay in omaha The manager hates to see you go Arbys apologizes for its new beef and bacon sandwich The firestone tire on the rear wheel of the suv in front of you may well fly apart All seven deadly sins were committed at a church bake sale Clerk endures fifth humiliating year Mexico announces plans to refry over seven hundred million beans The ceo of time warner has announced plans to merge with his secretary Associate christ Hundreds and thousands of sad lonely people are waiting to take your call Scientists isolate the pepsi resistant gene An utter failure plans to spend the rest of the day in bed A libertarian reluctantly calls the fire department India opens the gandhi nuclear testing facility Fowl play on highway The catholic church speaks out against sinfully rich dessert Creditors reposess new england Freakish newborne is half chinese half american Snotty teenage girls convene for world summit Jerry lewis undergoes emergency gerfloigal surgery The swiss end neutrality toward delectable pastries The fcc sentences artie lange to death The shiny network makes its debut The court takes custody of a harley from an unfit motorcycle mama Masturbation news with doyle redland Global deforestation is now complete Bush finally gets the oval office just the way he wants it A confusing insult is awkwardly clarified Nasa is baffled by the failure of straw shuttle State bird reconsidered after latest wren attack A leftover christmas billboard stirs a seasonally inappropriate emotion Bush vows to put a man on the moon before it disappears at the end of the month Blues man claims yemen done him wrong Nbc to add dateline flursday An area man got his tattoos while serving in college An area man accidentally signs up for aol latino A diabetic kid throws the worst birthday party ever The pope condemns three more glands Jesus demands creative control over his next movie Salvation gel Jews to celebrate some sort of holiday A scientist has a nagging feeling he left the particle accelerator running The world death rate is holding steady at one hundred percent A creative asterisk makes readers unaware of the word Internet collapses under sheer weight of baby pictures The quality of stabbings is down fifty percent Police on lookout for poorly drawn man World bank forecloses on world farm Deadbeat dads march on las vegas A new christian reality series that punishes guilty sinners on the street is a smash hit A high school teacher constantly uses the janitor as an example An assistant manager is accused of sexual indiscrimination Sharper image vows it will be undersold Area man goaded into climbing mt everest County fair judges blown away by local heifer Awkward tension is mistaken for sexual tension Family of four rescued from a burning house by a homosexual Congress overturns ban on lawn darts Liberals return to sodomy and welfare fraud Hot lesbo action Salad is rendered unhealthy in three steps Cop kills his own partner and vows to track himself down Al qaeda vows to win war on tourism The collectible plate industry has called for the tragic death of barbara streisand A raving lunatic obviously took some advanced physics A heartbreaking country ballad paralyzes the trucking industry A street smart teen is found dead in a library Commodities traders eagerly aw White house declares war on dsl provider Traveler amazed by sheer number of mexicans Mister t will pity a fool An area woman is sensitive about that thing on her face Camera crew discreetly trails overweight woman for obesity segment Trapped miner wishes he could see the coverage Everyone on campus afraid of that one bar A man with a hammer induced thumb injury appeals to christ almighty Man in international airport only speaks business Immigrant laborers are hired to delete spam An area man is somehow even less popular than he was in high school A boxer hopes he can make money punching things in retirement A teenager learns the negligible value of a dollar Nasa baffled Richard simmons fights for life in estrogen tent Don king A smoker is inspired by the sight of an elderly smoker Homosexual saves family Boy loving southerns form alabanambla Network news satellites collide over iraq Alcoholic postpones recovery one day at a time Loft apartments converted to mayonnaise factory Naked education Bush introduces new timmy blanchard left behind act Area woman recalls days when she resented being hit on Devious rabbit tricks bush into signing gun ban A junior building inspector closes down an area treehouse Cows are plants Crank caller keeps jerking local news team around Doyle redland reporting I Troop deaths Teachers concerned about poorl Radically less cool lifestyle born to area couple Sandwiches North korea Local child amuses café—but for how long Alphabetizing temp Wish Coffin half full Bitch aunt Sexy nurse Liver stapled Man born to party Poor people pretty much screwed