The Onion's lyrics & chords

Fatal staples center collapse brings merciful early end to clippers game Police on lookout for poorly drawn man Meat shelf breaks free of iowa Filming of congressional reality show disrupts committee meeting Scientists successfully teach gorilla it will die someday Kim jong il announces plan to bring moon to north korea Denmark introduces harrowing new tourism ads directed by lars von trier Urinator apprehended Guy at bank has weird hair for guy who works at bank Area man experimenting with homosexuality for past 8 years Area man consults internet whenever possible Man gives up trying to get coat back from former girlfriend Evander holyfield to box horse for heavyweight title Attractive girls union refuses to enter into talks with mike greenman Spokeswoman gives birth to spokeschild Prison economy spirals as price of pack of cigarettes surpasses two hand jobs Congressman demands to know who left fish sandwich to rot on house floor Nation in love with girl from record store Man on tv urges mass purchase of listerine Portrayal of obama as elitist hailed as step forward for african americans Man defends cartoon character with unexpected vigor Super monkey collider loses funding Tiny dog has been barking nonstop for 6 years Being a detective who talks to ghosts not as exciting as it looks on tv New bill will send illegal immigrants to iraq Google opt out feature lets users protect privacy by moving to remote village Nasa simulator prepares astronauts for rigors of an interview with larry king New colored light added to traffic signals Bomb squad member takes 7 hours to open birthday present Adorable puppy nets owner hand job Doyle redland says goodbye Desire to ejaculate motivates local christian to wed International community worried for france after an impulsive alliance with north korea Incredibly sexy firefighter tragically dies in steamy blaze Seaworld whales demand 10 percent chum increase Man from last week smacked into present day Bad boy fencing star implicated in yet another daring jewel heist Area pie hole shut New portable sewing machine lets sweatshop employees work on the go New cereal for poor stays crunchy in water Christian rockers deny kicking ass Cindy mccain claims shes just like any other female human Insurgent secretly terrified of winning control of iraq Obama undertakes presidential internship to ease concerns about his lack of experience Bush tours america to survey damage caused by his disastrous presidency Soccer officially announces it is gay Disney lab unveils its latest line of genetically engineered child stars Money storm hits palm springs Area bass player fellated Obama win causes obsessive supporters to realize how empty their lives are Christian porn film climaxes with birth of child Beloved minister dies just as he lived—of a heart attack Was there too much sex and profanity in the hbo presidential debate? Scientists combine 20 tiny dogs to make reasonably sized dog Boston globe tailors print edition for three remaining subscribers Church canceled due to lack of god 24 million potential brides discovered in china Hurricane bound for texas slowed by large land mass to the south Farm subsidy blown on farming Condoleezza rice to voyage east Usda official takes courageous stand against interstate countercyclical potato pricing China launches first willing manned mission into space Obama runs constructive criticism ad against mccain Barbara bush runs aground off coast of maine Man being dragged by bus leaves hilarious phone message Gunman kills 15 potential voters in crucial swing state Local teen to explore own body Half of japanese legislators admit to undergoing cybernetic improvements Civil war enthusiasts burn atlanta to ground John glenn installed in smithsonian Massive oil spill results in improved wildlife viscosity Dream about walking around with no pants in supermarket finally comes true Area beehive not ready for democracy New apple friend bar gives customers someone to talk at about mac products 97th birthday celebrated with nurses who just happened to be on duty 9 drawn and quartered at renaissance fair Pressure of sustaining most of the world taking its toll on rice Jockey liam hollins the favorite to brutally whip horse to kentucky derby win Bankrupt motivational expert adds failure to vocabulary Pentagon engineers develop new diplomacy bomb Genetic scientists develop sheep with brain of a goat Roommate eats emergency preparedness kit What should have been waffles eaten for breakfast Miracle powder turns water into delicious fruity drink Prince charles brutally seizes british crown State bird reconsidered after latest wren attack Clothing catalog creates unrealistic expectations for shirts Celebrities seize africa Fda approves napalm breast implants Time announces new version of magazine aimed at adults New senate bill tests through the roof President obama frustrated by repairs to dirt bike one Santa succumbs to multiple strains of h1n1 flu virus Millions die domesticating bloodthirsty cow New robot salesman practically sells itself Yankees building new vacation stadium in the hamptons Girl raised from birth by wolf blitzer taken into protective custody Study finds young people remain apathetic about office politics Thousands of girls match description of missing sorority sister Childless couple seriously thinking about abducting Greenpeace releases dolphins into forest John mccain accidentally left on campaign bus overnight Broke dad makes son a playstation 2 for christmas College student gradually becomes townie Astronaut suspects nasa using him to test spaces effects on fat people Misogynist gets laid Bomb sniffing dog humps bomb defusing robot White house reporter asks how many mountain dews the president slams a day Doctor slipped a twenty Congressmen submit emergency 3 am bill demanding ihop stay open all night Historic blockbuster store offers glimpse of how movies were rented in the past Concerned parents demand removal of arsenic from periodic table of elements Kwanzaa holiday sales figures disappointing Californians gather to celebrate annual wildfire tradition Coroner to work from home today Ghost of ted knight signs on as new voice of god Jerry lewis undergoes emergency gefloigel surgery Expert on anteaters wasted entire life studying anteaters Palmolive attacks dawn for coddling grease Mean man has shut down candy factory Area man thinks his insurance company is awesome Cult leader wants to lead more normal people to their deaths Scientists dissect coworker to find out more about scientists Brad pitt signs on to play top hat in forthcoming monopoly movie Bounty officials approve third ply Online dating helping pathetic women get their hopes crushed more efficiently New auto security system will not allow car to start if driver is nick nolte Fcc okays nudity on tv if it’s alyson hannigan Unbelievably cool group from high school still unbelievably cool Entertainment scientists warn miley cyrus will be depleted by 2013 Party guy finds party wife Precocious youngster sells cookies to buy attack ad Anonymous philanthropist donates 200 human kidneys to hospital Marijuana legalized 2 days after advocates put on neckties Mysterious traveler entrances town with utopian vision of the future Reporter in helicopter pretty sure landslide down there somewhere Has obama failed to reduce hostility toward obnoxious americans abroad? President obama vetoes mutant registration act Cage match settles nothing Space station crew members deny throwing things at sweden Roiling mass of snakes to receive 160 billion in government stimulus Area man bores pants off date Lazy nation fears obama will create millions of jobs Cat given benefit of doubt again Woman only dates on national television now Amish give up Obama vows to wipe out llamas Those damn bluegrass players at it again 14 sperm bank workers drown in tragic spill Jetliner briefly passes through heaven Voting machines elect one of their own as president Tennessee nears expiration date Bill clinton reveals conjoined twin Elderly woman destroys internet President bush only has to spend 20 trillion to inherit bush family fortune Heroin addiction picked up where area man left off Unemployed coroner opens autopsy stand Fashion fans enraged by new spring lineup Longtime sexual fantasy awkwardly fulfilled Slain cop had only 37 years until retirement Disney puts on magical parade of layoffs Area kindergartner tackles the shit out of dream girl Police detective subjects his own faith in god to rough questioning Hit man stumbles on totally new way to kill North korea unprepared for missile attack on north korea Endless stream of excuses pours out of area man Disagreement over band name may break up area band Butterfly fails to alter course of human history Home sex tape watched once Terrorist recruitment far outpaces army recruitment 4 careers killed in film shooting Area conservationist wastes his breath Area mom freaking out for no reason again United airlines flight crew hits up passengers for gas money Prayer to god loaded with reverse psychology Craziest thing in world happens to area woman Neptune angered Manifesto suddenly veers into lack of nearby burrito stands Peeping tom tired of watching people watch television Enormous grace slick threatens california coastline Area man not for the squeamish Talking sex toy to spice up relationships Audio book narrator gets drunk around chapter 13 Australian wildfires spur large increase in flaming animal attacks New crispy snack cracker to ease the pain of modern life Police plan to pillage and terrify community God unveils new species as demand for humans declines Scarlett johansson plunges sexily to her death Neighbors remember serial killer as serial killer President obama gets tangled in coat hangers Mischievous raccoon wreaks havoc on international space station 57 lawmakers feared dead in senate mine disaster God thanked for something he would never do Stunned supporter finally leaves mccain victory party Economic crisis traced to bounced check for 16 Assistant manager corrupted by power Uninspired carpenter just sawing whatever comes to mind Mccain captures wild delegates roaming western plains Yellowstone national park hires plumber to fix clogged geyser Area father proves tree fort is not as strong as son claims Area mooning goes unnoticed Congress establishes new department of finding change on the ground Area man gets badass community service tattoo Hidden valley ranch bombed by balsamic extremists Upscale sharks go into tasting frenzy Viking god odin down to last 4 worshipers Giant protest puppet kills dozens of peace drummers Movie star to raise awareness about dying like moron after son dies like moron Area woman finds nude sculpture of herself at shady art show Nasa embarks on first mission to iowa Diebold accidentally leaks results of 2008 election early Fat man killed in wicker chair disaster Earth explodes Startled print consultant shoots ink at coworkers Army platoon hires day laborers to fill out patrols Intern sent to testify before congress for the experience Suspicious package industry falls on hard times President bush designates 1 million acres for federally protected water parks Lazy scientists discover new cable channel Breakthrough drug eliminates crying from infants Obama calls on nation to put in one solid day of work Patrick duffy to take some quality patrick duffy time National pork council says many americans suffering from pork deficiency Local cow has exceptional milk day New martha stewart recipe a message to enemies Goodyear unveils new circular tires Carnival cruise line captain to explore the everglades Oncologist keeps variety of citrus fruits to use as visual aids Millions of voters refuse to exit polls Kim jong il unfolds into giant robot Social security scam robs elderly by convincing them they are dead Department of justice adds mounted prosecutors Nervous afghan thinks every american with fake beard works for cia Anecdote retired after 8 years of stellar service Niagara falls discontinues famous plunging school bus ride Congressional swap meet erupts in chaos Warren buffett finds 30 million in change in couch Democrats get a whole new look for spring God smites area man for distracting him from tree frogs You now president of argentina Weeklong dishwasher failure forces man to drink out of muffin tray Bakery held hostage by child picking out donuts Child of polygamists receives fourth sex talk Area man really should do something about that shattered thighbone Area woman thought motherhood would be a breeze after raising 4 cats Vast array of lip balm options paralyzes area shopper Former american gladiator still insists friends call him turbo Brass section sucking up to conductor again Child so stupid she sees letters backwards Space suit still smells like wet astronaut Sales team transforms itself into giant robot sales tiger Bioengineers outsmarted by strain of intelligent wheat President bush accidentally signs cast into law Vice president cheney seen dragging egg sac through west wing Former president bill clinton becomes pure energy China recalls everything Bag of chips explodes on its own Amateur balloonist accidently floats around world New wonder drug gets users higher than hell Fit of anger turns dairy farmer into beef farmer New super bladder improves urination Global economy faces new threat from below Iranian jaywalker sentenced to public graveling Researchers discover massive asshole in blogosphere Romantic hostage negotiator offers bank robbers moon and stars Fbi agent is pretty cool Rubenesque woman has picassoesque face Latest poll reveals 430 new demographics that will decide election Village in nepal constructed entirely of frozen mountain climbers Fun toy banned because of three stupid dead kids Amateur assassin slits throat from ear to nose Party called a success after guy seen puking out of car window President obama holds surprise rooftop press conference Bush goes blonde for remainder of presidency Stock market unsure how to react to boron shortage Entire oil rig searches for lost pizza cutter Body found in last place police thought to look Palin family just sitting around living room eating jerky Obama voicemail message not that inspiring Vengeful pilot vows to hunt down turbulence Area woman to award herself to winner of barroom brawl Pack of chimps in tuxedos crashes nobel prize dinner Robert duvall believes group with sexual fetish for robert duvall is out there somewhere Diabetic roommate uses all the insulin again New flavored fork adds taste of ham to every meal Child raised by wolves released back into wild Crazy uncle makes good point about bitch aunt Fred schneider delivers jarring commencement speech Nicole richie attempts to do whatever she does on her own Ebert and roeper develop highly unstable movie rating Ketchup not fancy enough for local man Onion radio news for kids Man on couch reports dwindling supply of chips Obama takes surprise caller during weekly radio address Kidnappers running out of fingers to send Area showoff sets sights on hula hoop Area man somehow even less popular than he was in high school Robbie knievel plans transcontinental wheelie Area father fails to forcibly refold map Workaholic wakes up in pool of own paperwork Faith healer calls in faith gastroenterologist Camp counselors arrive early for 2 weeks of sex Accident reconstructionist a hit at family reunion Mccain unveils plan for national soup pipeline Imaginary rock band causes real falling out among friends Nightlight fails to stop monster North korean spies issued silver jumpsuits to avoid discovery Area dog can no longer be trusted Pacifist rooster is torn apart in cockfight Pope stays up all night telling god about trip to america Jet li hugs 3 friends at once White house sance fails to contact spirit of ronald reagan Area man traces bad eating habits back 6 generations China bans release of carbon dioxide by citizens Federal reserve announces emergency release of butterflies Girlfriend dumped after forwarding stupid link Secretary of transportation reports he was just about to say that Angry fcc fudging tired of all this sugar Nebraska lawmakers ban sex in grain elevators Area man suspicious of subway wrap Choir deployed to local senior center New study shows progress made by broads Area dullard opts for vocational school Shoot and release program catches on with hunters Having pool table in bar a terrible idea Florida woman getting pale for vacation in minnesota Donatella versace lays deposit of sleek leather pouches Challenging new iraq war video game will take 14 years to play Family heirloom passed down to pawn shop owner Congress passes amendment guaranteeing right to chicken done right Spelling bee winner fails to spell way out of schoolyard beating Bail money factored into vacation fund Convicted forger freed by presidential pardon Organic hunter relies on chronic wasting disease to kill deer United nations condemns inhumane tourist traps Nation fills up on bread Georgia decriminalizes public urination Roommate invited to join suicide pact out of politeness Belief in guitar god gets area guitarist through each day Bush picks laser background for presidential portrait Bear searches for food inside backpacker Green giant celebrates canning of one trillionth pea Fitness researchers hail discovery of new ab Airline cuts costs by becoming terrible airline 9th pair of doublemint twins is dead Auto dealer saving all the good cars for himself Swat team leader uses wrong hand signal again Evacuation plan includes foosball table New blog gives much needed look into world of geoff Entire day wasted searching for baby Swiss end neutrality toward delectable pastries Cruel owner deprives laptop of sleep Depressed carpet cleaner turns vacuum on himself Hundreds of musicians removed from rock and roll hall of fame for drug use Congress debates merits of new catchphrase West virginia holds its first pronunciation bee Chicago out of names for subdivisions Second tattoo is added to explain first tattoo Whaler sandwich not sitting too good with area man China leaks preemptive apology for shooting down space shuttle Stripper from future jumps out of birthday cake to warn humanity Iran may be developing lottery technology Omaha man will probably stay in omaha for another year or two Former tallest kid in class should have done more with it Lobbyist gets candy on food pyramid Drowning super model rescued to death Neighborly days inn guest brings welcome basket to new people across hall Panicked diver forgets everything except capital of delaware Move to houseboat regretted by third day Area islamic militant all talk God checks into mayo clinic for routine physical Detroit picked to hold 2016 thunderdome Town loses all hope after closing cheesecake factory Another piece of drum kit claimed by recession Apology to area dog insincere Psychological evaluation eaten Mysteriocrats nominate shadowy figure for president Pregnant circus geek now biting heads off chicken for two Area man regrets going into snifter business Maker of dixie cups debuts new line of paper cookware Grown woman flirts at grade school level Voice recognition software yelled at Pacific island volcano erupts with force of 300 vin diesels Mexico announces plans to refry over 700 million beans Defective ouija board reviews local thai restaurants Smuggler swallows condom full of cuban cigars Progressive congressman promotes bill in 78 time Vice president cheney burns down white house aviary Gold medalist michael phelps signs up to endorse pool noodles New species of lobster may have come from outer space New high school alumni make successful use of vague graduation advice Area man still waiting for those extra napkins Army of dead has no problem meeting recruitment goal Rowdy teens take over local perkins Hostage taken out for night on the town Tropical storm brings deadly cloud of worthless knickknacks up the east coast Biologists apologize for release of giant winged serpents Entire coffee cake consumed over trash can Elderly man wages war on area pharmacy Unexpected pregnancy breaks monotony of menstrual cycle Area volcano erupts into cup for seismologist Richard branson purchases remainder of north pole Ronald reagan prime suspect in bank robbery Muse commands area man to draw naked barbarian girls Congress calls for removal of land mines from congress Terror plot foiled by pure luck Night watchman keeps jay leno under close surveillance Area cousin graduates to little fanfare Champagne is drained from business community pool Mechanical pencils turn on their human overlords Area man will remember unanswered prayer next time god needs his help New dna evidence forces investigators to reopen nancy drew mystery Homicidal surgeon general may be hazardous to your health Laser light show panned by laserati Christian slater dropped from list of names to drop Mitt romney defends himself against allegations of tolerance Sexy nurse having trouble finding halloween costume Santa fe terminator franchise releases southwestern version of film Man who lost leg to whale decides to let it go Hard times hit springsteenville Borrowed stapler returned with bite marks on it Lucky dead student gets own page in yearbook Nasa completes earth sock New strain of alan starzinski flu traced back to alan starzinski Nhl star called up to big leagues to play for nfl team Graduation speech suggests valedictorian is pregnant Researcher secures funding to harass living shit out of puffer fish Vacationing teen introduces wilco to west indies President bush gives zambia emergency cell phone San diego zoo acquires chinese man 35 years of manhood summoned to open tight bottle cap Marriage of 2 celebrities to bring prosperity to both families Nation gears up for annual carny migration Outgoing first lady laura bush shows michelle obama secret white house bone closet Rising gravy breaks through potato dam Wealthy housewife learns spanish for some reason Highest blender setting successfully drowns out jamba juice employee Everything midas ceo touches turns to mufflers Giant greenhouse built over nation blamed for climate change New beer brand claims to be colder than other beer brands Honest pizza place admits to making 19th best pizza Record number of americans settling for sex at home Visiting priest shows family how grace is done Technical preschool teaches welding to kids Fancy home defibrillator used only once Area man not at all pleased to be in lion costume Majority of worlds spam email originates from tiny nation of koy4goff Time warner ceo announces plans to merge with secretary Area man always picked last for employment Vin diesel forces film institute to honor him Baldwin institute successfully maps baldwin genome New fragrance to evoke mystery and passion President obama narrowly escapes square dance Russia takes control of struggling burger king chain Punch on nose fails to ward off loan shark attack