Certifiable Number One Smash Lyrics & Chords By Kevin Gilbert

Gotta tell you about this, 'cuz I'm very excited about it:

It's got tattoos, it's got a pierced hood
It's got generation X
It's got lesbians, and vitriol
And sadomasochistic latex sex
It's got Mighty Morphin' power brokers
And Tanya Harding nude
Macrobiotic lacto-vegan non-confrontational free range food
It's got the handshake, peace talk, non-aggression pact
A multicultural integration of segregated historical facts

Sayin' Amen!
Hallelujah! Amen!
Certifiable number one smash

Hallelujah! Amen!
Certifiable undeniable solid platinum number one smash!

It's got more hooks than a tackle box
It's got really loud guitars
It's got a blasting cap in the fertilizer
It's got secret anguish of the network stars

It's anti-fur, it's unplugged, it's got an OK from the Pope
It's got art nails and a Wonderbra, and
Dread lock blunt rolled Buddha dope

It's got the head nod, the finger pistol
The nose up in your crack
Montel and Geraldo
And the women that hate the men that hate them back

Sayin' Amen!
Hallelujah! Amen!
Certifiable number one smash

Hallelujah! Amen!
Certifiable undeniable solid platinum number one smash

[Video Pitch]
Now I gotta tell ya about the video idea, you're really gonna love this.

We start out in one of these rural churches in the middle of Alabama somewhere and they're havin' this gigantic rave up gospel church festival with fat women with their hands in the air yellin' Amen and Hallelujah.

And our boy, our hero, he's right in the middle of it and religious fervor is just exploding off of his body. Behind the alter of this church there's this gigantic icon of a black Jesus Christ. Who our boy later licks.

Smash cut to him on a hillside dancing wildly, half naked, with his undulating midriff sweating profusely in front of hundreds and hundreds of burning crosses.

Smash cut back to the church, only now it's not a church right, it's a courtroom. And the priest has become a judge, and the choir's become the jury, and black Jesus is on trial for raping our boy.

So this really angry contingent of fat trucker lookin' guys sweeps up black Jesus, beats him senseless and throws him in prison, where our boy takes pity on him, and goes to him, and then weeps in front of the bars and then gives him a hand job through them. But it's all shot by Herb Ritz so it's really beautiful and you feel sorry for both of them.

All right, all right... now so that we don't offend everybody in the whole fucking world, at this point, these two gigantic beautiful red velvet curtains close from either side of the screen and then reopen and the whole cast of the video takes a bow like it was a play or somethin' right! Get it?

All right well, if you don't get that you'll get this... When those receipts start tearin' in from all over the world you're gonna kick the almighty God ass my friends because sixty billion flag waving fans in every stadium in the fucking planet are gonna be yellin' "GOAL!!!!!"

Sequins, bell bottoms, peace and hope and love
OJ and VR and Elvis Jackson with a Blue Suede Glove

Sayin' Amen! Hallelujah! Amen
Certifiable number one smash
Hallelujah! Amen!
Certifiable number one smash

And me and my accountant are so happy

Certifiable undeniable solid platinum number one smash