It Would Never Have Worked Lyrics & Chords By Victoria Wood

It's over, we've missed the bus;
A nice idea, but not for us;
We didn't click, let's make it quick,
And say goodbye;
Don't hold my hand, and don't demand
A reason why;
No loving looks, no fond regards;
Tonight was always on the cards...

I like big muscles, you were thin and lanky;
I like nice manners, you were far too cranky;
You'd blow your nose and then look in your hanky;
Things would never have worked.

The day I met you was a real heart-wrencher;
I thought that love would be a big adventure;
Then saw the spinach on your bottom denture;
Things would never have worked.

I wanted champagne, and oysters,
'Cos that's the way I am;
You gave me Vimto, tinned carrots,
And spam...

I wanted love to come and knock our blocks off;
But even Venus takes her card and clocks off;
Your idea of foreplay was to take your socks off;
Things would never have worked.

Rapour's a thing your just can't manufa'ture;
You had your pin-up girl, I couldn't match her;
I didn't want to, it was Mrs Thatcher;
Things would never have worked.

I wanted moonlight, and roses,
And all that silly tosh;
You wanted gerbils, a whippet,
A wash...

I wanted love poems, you couldn't write them;
My earlobes nibbled, but you wouldn't bite them;
You would fart and then attempt to light them;
Things would never have worked.

We're not compatible, let's not get blue, dear;
At least we see each other's point of view, dear;
I like big hunky men, and so do you, dear;
Things would never have worked!