Your Horoscope For Today Lyrics & Chords By "weird Al" Yankovic

Aquarius!
There's travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the back of a speeding bus
Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing Whack-A-Mole seventeen hours a day
Pisces!
Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola virus
You are the true Lord of the Dance, no matter what those idiots at work say
Aries!
The look on your face will be priceless when you find that forty pound watermelon in your colon
Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, then give a hickey to Meryl Streep
Taurus!
You will never find true happiness - what you gonna do, cry about it?
The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunch of stuff, and then go back to sleep
That's your horoscope for today (That's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today (That's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today
Gemini!
Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence
Your love life will run into trouble when your fiancé hurls a javelin through your chest
Cancer!
The position of Jupiter says that you should spend the rest of the week face down in the mud
Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking your driver's test
Leo!
Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to your boss' face, oh no
Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding, then wash it down with a gallon of strawberry Quik
Virgo!
All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent - except for you
Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with your head impaled upon a stick
That's your horoscope for today (That's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today (That's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today
Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.
Where was I?
Libra!
A big promotion is just around the corner for someone much more talented than you
Laughter is the very best medicine, remember that when your appendix bursts next week
Scorpio!
Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screaming from an open window
Work a little bit harder on improving your low self-esteem, you stupid freak
Sagittarius!
All your friends are laughing behind your back - (Kill them.)
Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine you've got hanging in your den
Capricorn!
The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person, but you know they're lying
If I were you, I'd lock my doors and windows and never never never never never leave my house again
That's your horoscope for today (That's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today (That's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today (That's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today (Yay yay yay yay yay)
That's your horoscope for today