Left Brain, Right Brain Lyrics & Chords By Bo Burnham

[Spoken]
Voice
Hello, Patient 24602.

Bo
Hello.

Voice
How are you feeling?

Bo
Um, not great.

Voice
Has the treatment been working?

Bo
Uh, I don't think so, no.

Voice
What are your remaining symptoms?

Bo
I just-- I-- I internalize my feelings a lot-- I have trouble articulating how I'm feeling to other people-- I feel like-- I just-- I'm--

Voice
So basically you're still a little bitch.

Bo
Yes... Very mature of you, Disembodied Voice, way up there.

Voice
I was just joking, nigger.

Bo
Alright you're not as safe in Wisconsin as you might think with that shit...

Voice
I'm not human, I can say whatever I want.

Bo
Alright, just-- what-- just get to the point! What's wrong with me? Please, please...

Voice
Your emotions and your logic are at war.

Bo
Okay.

Voice
Your creativity and your analysis are at war. And most simply, your left and right brain are at war.

Bo
My left and my--?

Voice
To fix the problem, we must separate them from each other.

Bo
Sep--?

Voice
Splitting your neurological functions: in five,

Bo
Well, can we book an appointment or something?

Voice
Four, three

Bo
You don't just start counting down to major medical procedures.

Voice
Two, one- this may hurt a bit-

Bo
I don't even know what 'it' is.

Voice
Zero.

Bo
Just tell me what you're--!

Voice
Isolation complete.

This is Bo's Left Brain. Objective. Logical. Cold. Analytical. Aware of patterns. Aware of trends. He's efficient-- and a prick.

This is Bo's Right Brain. Subjective. Creative. Sensory. Aware of feelings. Aware of people. He's emotional-- and an idiot.

Right
That's your opinion. Just-- careful with opinions.

Voice
Okay boys... Play nice.

[Sung]
Left
I am the Left Brain, I am the Left Brain
"I work really hard till my inevitable death" Brain
You've got a job to do? You'd better do it right
And the right way, is with the Left Brain's might

Right
I like Oreos and pussy, (Yes! In that order!)
And I cried for at least an hour after
Watching Toy Story 3 (Woody!)
I am the Right Brain
(Sha-na-na-na-na!)
I have feelings
(Sha-na-na-na-na!)
I'm a little all over the place,
But I'm lustful and trustful
And I'm lookin' for somebody to love
(Or put my penis in)

Left
Here comes a female, here comes a female
Puff your chest out, take your phone and check your email
Our evolutionary purpose is repopulate,
So gather data now and see if she's a possible mate

Right
HOLY FUCK, I think she might be the one!
There's something about her
I just can't describe it...

Left
Tits.

Right
I am the earth, she's the glorious sun!
I want her to trust me
And I just want her to-- how do I say this?
Sit on my face-- sit-- SIT ON MY FACE!

Left
Alright now, Right Brain, you're being insane

Right
No Left Brain, I'm just being alive
You should try it
You might like it!

Left
I worked hard to give him everything he cared about
You were worried 'bout the things that he was scared about
I'm calm and collected, when you act wild
I am the adult, you are the child.

Right
You think you're the right one every time
You think you know everything
But you don't know anything at all

Half of his problems were supposed to be mine
But you wanted everything
I hope that you're happy, 'cause he's sure not.

[Spoken]
Left
Well according to my calculations-- I'm sorry, let me run the numbers again, um-- you're a pussy.

Right
Name calling, really, you're gonna just do name calling?

Left
It's not calling names, alright? I'm just stating facts, okay? And the fact is: you're a quivering pussy.

Right
I'm the pussy? Well at least I don't play with toys still, okay?

Left
Rubik's Cubes are not toys. They keep my spatial reasoning skills...sharp.

Right
Left Brain plays with toys! Look at you, Mister-- You're a toy player--

Left
Well at least I did my fucking job! Alright? I kept him working, I kept him productive. You were supposed to look after him. You were supposed to keep him emotionally stable for all this. Now you're trying to blame me for how he's feeling. How he's FEELING! If he's "feeling" unhappy it's because you failed him! You did this to him, he hates you, I know he does! HE FUCKING HATES YOU!

[Right Brain cries]

Right Brain look, I'm sorry, okay?

Right
No you're not.
[Crying]

[Sung]
Left
Look, maybe there's something that we could do together

Right
Together?

Left
Take the best parts of both of us-
Put 'em together

Right
I'm listening.

Left
It would let you let your feelings out
It would let me analyze
So you could man the themes, I'll man the form

It's something that George Carlin did
It's something that Steve Martin did
It's something special that we could both perform...
Do you know what it is?

[Spoken]
Right
JUGGLING! We could juggle, and juggle our cares away!

Left
It was-- It was comedy. We could do comedy together, and--

Voice
Initiate reassembly.

Left
Alright Right Brain look, we're gonna do comedy together, alright? We gotta do comedy!

Right
Alright! Alright Left Brain, I'll do comedy with you!

Left
Look, we can fix him like this! We can make him happy again, I promise, alright?

Voice
Commencing reformation into singular mind: in five,

Right
Left Brain!

Voice
Four,

Right
Left Brain, I love you!

Voice
Three, Two, One...

Left
I know.

Voice
Experimentation complete.

Bo
Thank you very much.